yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like ๐ ๐ ๐ until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind isโฆ
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: OkayโฆFly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: HmmโฆButterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Peach cobbler so good you canโt even taste the cyanide.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money youโll save from not having a social life.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so letโs stop with all the โhappiest place on earthโ lies
I think itโs sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
neil armstrong: iโll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Thereโs really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, letโs do i it again sometimeโฆ
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
