Möther may I have a snäck
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LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
look at me when i’m typing to you
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics