The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
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I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
lmao
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.