me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
You Might Also Like
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
TODAY
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.