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WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Body by Oreos
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the