Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
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if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!