I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
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So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
🖤✌🏽
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm