[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
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Life with a cat in one tweet
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.