My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
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When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.