Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
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After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
some things should go without saying
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature