I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
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I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim