The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
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it was love at first sight
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes