Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
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Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?