Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
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There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
⚠️ Important Reminder:
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.