Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
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I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun