Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
You Might Also Like
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not