A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
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It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.