4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
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The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.