Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
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People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
The Weeknd is back
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*