Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
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“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Hot Hot Hot
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”