I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
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I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.