Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
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I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”