“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
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gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.