“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
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My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
This week’s mood.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
😂😂😂😂😂😂
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.