[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
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I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
how it started vs how it ended
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now