Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
You Might Also Like
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
can’t believe I got front row seats
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.