ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
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[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.