went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
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A ghost story
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Guilty! 🤪
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
This kinda thing happens to me often
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.