Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
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Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
it’s the silliest best thing
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin