The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
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me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
“i am a sweet baby”
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.