1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
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Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”