“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
You Might Also Like
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Hey I worked for it too!
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?