If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
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Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.