completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
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Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
I am having an out of money experience.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.