When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
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Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
english majors be like furthermore
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.