I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
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ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
mmm onion ringos
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you