60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
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I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.