When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
You Might Also Like
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
me irl
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”