Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
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GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.