My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
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The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Imma just leave this here…………
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-