imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
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My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
I never needed anything more in my life
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Not all heroes wear capes…
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.