priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
You Might Also Like
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying