My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
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[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
me working on my assignments ^-^
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
PLOT TWIST:
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*