If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
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Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
they finally got him. they got macavity
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
I’m not stressed
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”