Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
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[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while