Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
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Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.