[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
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Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Mistakes were made
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.