Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
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I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.