“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
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[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
#CatsOnTwitter
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway