I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
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I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Me My dog
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
The prophecy is fulfilled
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.